Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Overthrow your government! (Canadian style).

Attention Americans! There is a situation north of your border. Power may be changing hands 2 weeks AFTER people thought an election had settled everything. Here's the deal:

step 1: Firearms!
Make sure you have them all registered, you don't want any potential criminal marks on your record before you start this

Step 2: Get enough peeps elected.
See, in Canada you don't vote for a president or a prime minister (even though we actually have one of the latter), you just vote for your local MP (Member of Parliament - y'know, boring... let's call it 'Masta Pimp'), then all the elected MP's go to join up with their parties (heck, gangs) in Ottawa. Whichever gang has the most MPs gets to make their leader the PM (lets say, Pimp Masta). Sometimes MP's change gangs mid-season, sometimes they declare they selves (hey, I like this) independent. Shit happens, and it's all wild and cool until the next election comes and they have to go back to their riding (honestly, that's what we call electoral districts, the name comes pre-pimped) and kiss some ass babies to get re'lected.

Step 3: Work the (strictly non-freudian) levers of power.
So right now the blue gang (aka "Conservatives," aka "party of unmitigated evil") are the biggest of the lot, and their leader, a dork called Stephen Harper, is the PM. But everyone else is upset at their failure to handle the economic crisis sick of their weak ass shit, and the two next biggest gangs - the oranges (aka NDP) and reds (aka "liberals"... yeah, it's not considered a dirty word in Canada. In yo face biatches) - who have more MPs playas between them than the conservatives, and are getting together to take things over.
Step 4: Blow some shit up...
which in Canada we do with some hard ass, heavy hitting... eh, voting. Yes, this is a country where the revolution comes not stealthily in the night, but is announced well ahead of time so it can be properly scheduled in the correct legislative body. Word!

So once the gummint loses a vote of no confidence they are officially out on their lily executive branch asses. The GG (Governor General - who job is to stand in for the queen when she ain't in the hood) gets to decide what happens next. See, it's good to be the queen: you get pretty much complete power to do anything you want, at all, without anybody being able to stop you, on the sole condition that you never use any of that power. Yeah.

So the blues plan to tell the GG that she should call a new election (2 weeks after the last one just ended!), but the red and orange gangs will tell her, "yo, queen substitute biatch, we now be a alliance. Maybe, tha "Mitigated Good Alliance". Ya, good name. Anyway, we has tha most playaz, so make us da PM now." Not in those exact words, obviously, but close enough. And if the GG agrees, then the new PM will probably be the red gang's leader, a dork called Stephan Dion.

Step 5: Rulez baby!
Sweet! You are now the boss. And it ain't just passing votes (which you coulda done anyways), you're appointing senators, you're making your pet iguana ambassador to Denmark, you're issuing executive orders, hiring and firing watchdawgs, and cruising the mean streets of Ottawa Ontario like it ain't no thang. It's a paahtay on parliament hill, yo, and who bringing tha mineral water?

Update: So now the Conservatives (aka Tories) are claiming that this whole move is undemocratic. Yeah, because all those people who elected that majority of non-Tory MP's *totally* did so hoping that their party wouldn't get into power. :headdesk::headdesk:

No comments: